Gretzky steps down as Coyotes coach

As the Phoenix Coyotes continue to go through more physical changes than a 13-year old girl, Wayne Gretzky decided it would be best if he stepped down as head coach.

“This was a difficult decision that I’ve thought long and hard about,” Gretzky said in a statement. “We all hoped there would be a resolution earlier this month to the Coyotes ownership situation, but the decision is taking longer than expected. Since both remaining bidders have made it clear that I don’t fit into their future plans, I approached General Manger Don Maloney and suggested he begin looking for someone to replace me as coach. Don has worked hard and explored many options. I think he has made an excellent choice, and so now it’s time for me to step aside.”

Gretzky started coaching the team in 2005 and they never made the playoffs with him running the show. In fact, they won less than 48% of their games. Eck.

“The Coyotes scouting staff has put together a great group of young and talented players who are going to improve tremendously over the next few years,” the team said in a statement. “I’m proud of the team we’ve assembled, the organization with which I’ve been associated and the thousands of dedicated fans who have never wavered in their support of this young team. I’m confident that the best is yet to come for hockey in Phoenix.”

Photo Caption: Gretzky was known to threaten his players with him going out on the ice to show them how it’s done if need be.

But Gretzky wasn’t done. Ohhhh no he wasn’t done.

“I want to thank every staff member of the Phoenix Coyotes, past and present. It was a real pleasure to work with each and every one of you,” Gretzky said in a statement that seemed to never end. “I’ve always said that Phoenix is a great sports city and deserves nothing but the best. I still believe that. As a young boy, I learned to play hockey in Southern Ontario, and I know what great fans they have there. It’s my hope they too will have an NHL franchise in the not too distant future.

“I often said it was the greatest honour and privilege I could imagine to be able to play in the National Hockey League. I feel the same way about being an NHL coach. I’ve loved the four years I spent coaching the Coyotes. Not a day went by when I took it for granted, and I will miss the competition of the NHL dearly. It was an honour to hold the position, and I will always consider myself especially fortunate to have had this opportunity.”

Ulf Samuelsson will take over as head coach on an interim basis. He couldn’t do much worse that’s for sure.