Roethlisberger won’t appeal suspension, says he’ll change

Pittsburgh Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger has probably been doing a lot of apologizing lately. He’ll probably have more to do in the future. But Roethlisberger said (when we say “said,” we mean a PR person wrote them up and got them approved) today that he won’t appeal his 4-6 game suspension imposed by Roger Goodell.

Luckily for you, the reader, we were able to get a hold of the original draft of the statement, before any other PR people could do the final edits.

“The Commissioner’s decision to suspend me speaks clearly that more is expected of me when I’m partying with underaged girls and plotting their inevitable rape,” Roethlisberger said in a statement released by the team. “I am accountable for the consequences of my actions in the darkest recesses of seedy nightclubs. Though I have committed many no crimes, I regret that I have fallen extremely short of the values instilled in me by my victims family. I will not appeal the suspension and will comply with what is asked of me — and more.

“Missing games will be relaxing and enjoyable devastating for me. I am sorry to let down an entire fucking city my teammates and the entire Steelers fan base. I am disappointed that I have reached this point and will not put myself in this situation again unless she’s under 20 and really wasted.

“I wasted appreciate the opportunities that I have been given in my life and will make the necessary improvements.”

Seems contrite to us.