Fans devastated over Shaquille’s retirement

Shaquille O’Neal has decided to retire and, understandably, it has hit fans quite hard. Fans across the nation are absolutely devastated that Shaq will no longer be performing for their entertainment.

“So why the hell would I even go to the movies anymore?,” asked a distraught Sharon Englehart outside of a recently closed Blockbuster Video store. The 32-year old systems analyst was then told that Shaq actually retired from playing basketball and that he’s free to make as many movies as he wants.

“Oh, is he still playing? Who is he with these days?,” she asked. “He was so awesome with Orlando. Someone said he broke a basket once.”

OTR found another fan at an Acme in Mayfair that was frantically grabbing DVD’s of “Kazaam” and “Bluechips,” buying them before they “stop[ped] producing them.”

“Now that he isn’t doing movies anymore, I want to get as many copies as I can because they’ll be out of print in no time,” 44-year old Eric Weldon told us while shaking the last three copies of “Freddy Got Fingered” near our face. “It’s a shame he decided to stop acting in movies, but hopefully he’ll still do some of those hilarious commercials. Remember the faking the funk on a nasty dunk one? Hilarious! Me and this dude at work used to say that non stop in the break room all the time and Sheila would be all like, ‘you guys are so annoying! Stop saying that, it’s irritating!’ Sheila was a c-word.”

Some have speculated that so many fans of his movies aren’t aware that he actually retired from basketball because fans of his movies aren’t intelligent enough to actually find facts. And when they do stumble upon them from time to time, they have no problem looking in the other direction.

“Whether it’s using Google, actually reading a newspaper, having a television with cable…you know, basic shit,” says Dean Gooden, senior analyst at an entertainment marketing research agency. “We still haven’t figured out what attracts the uneducated to Shaquille’s theatrical work, but damn if it doesn’t happen quite a bit. I’m not saying others can’t appreciate how he performs his craft. I mean, when “Blue Chips” came out, I was like, ‘ohhhhhh daaaaaammmmnnn! It’s like that, huh?’ He totally flipped the script when it came to what was possible with the medium of film.”

Gooden went on to say that he’ll miss Shaq’s movies as well.

“Shame he had to do it now though, you know?,” he said, also now forgetting that Shaq retired from basketball and not movies. “I thought he had a “Scary Movie 5″ in him for sure.”

Some expect his movie fans to find out that he isn’t retired from movies when his next movie actually comes out.

“You just watch and see when that next movie comes out,” says Sam Hill, a workplace attorney in Michigan. “All it will take is “Kazaam 2: Return of Kazaam” to go straight to DVD and you’ll see lines out the doors of Walgreens everywhere. You throw in the fact that they’ll perceive it as a comeback and a revival of a character they long thought to be dead and people will probably be dressed as genies while they wait in line. But seriously, how awesome would “Kazaam 2″ be?”